Commitment (I Just Need To Clean My Room)

I can't go to sleep and my friend said she is going to call me back so I am waiting for a while. I started studying for the Big Test, but ended up scribbling down in my little Pollock and drawing. Both of my pens ran out of ink... :/

I need more pens.

The painting I'm on is incomplete. It's stagnant.

I played guitar, but I miss playing with others. My harmony needs a melody. I can think of multiple harmonies to intertwine, but they all come undone. It's like twisting a bunch of strings together and letting go. They all fall back into single strands.

I am running out of solos that interest me.

I already ran out of most of my food (except the mac & cheese my roomie gave me, the blueberries I forgot to take on the trip, and chips).

I am alone and thought I would enjoy it, but I don't.

I thought I could prevent myself from getting hurt, but it only hurt more. I wasn't just hurting myself either. :<

My friend asked why I was not majoring in art. My grandparents hint at it (Grandma called again), I get these little signs...art art art.

I want to. I really do. It's just I have so much control over myself. Also I have trusting issues which prevent me from making those steps.

Sometimes I wish I could just blend in. To be normal (the typical American). You know? Not to think so much. But I would be afraid of who I am and never experience amazingness. But what's good about experiencing amazingness when you see it disappear. No I will not succumb to believing in its extinction. I don't believe it.

I thought of what I would want to be. But I don't want to type it. I don't know why. I want to type it so bad. Maybe I'm afraid of loosing identity. Maybe I am superstitious and am afraid it won't happen if I type it. Maybe because I'm afraid to change my mind again. Maybe it is the right thing, but I am afraid to make commitment.

I think since my close friends here (and roomie) are gone this weekened, and I am already struggling (weak). Though I know one thing to look forward to in the days. Why am I struggling? I shouldn't be.

I guess trying to understand all this plus all of this as a whole...just trying to understand and the fact my room is a mess and a little homesick and a pile of stuff to do. (It seems even though I am not overworking on my passion as a profession, I am working less on my passion because my profession is over powering it. I don't want to be that wildlife vet that says "Yeah I wish I still played guitar" or "Yeah if I could I would go back in time to change it." But I also don't want to see life die down. I don't want to see all these gopher tortoises loosing their home or the Blue Heron caught in a fish net or the osprey with line around it's leg. I want to have the heard of cownose rays to come back and feast on the coquina (if any left). I hate seeing these hideous big condos and buildings popping up only holding a family of two and over half the time they aren't there.

But I am so blind. I see what I want to do which combines the two, but I still won't say it.