DAMMIT!!

I hate myself. I do. I really do.
I drive myself crazy and yet I still smile. I smile because I think it's silly. I am beginning to wish I didn't get that call. The reason I want to pursue Biology is because I want to do it for them. The animals. Not for me. I want to pursue Art & Education (with GUitar lessons on the side now...I know) because I want to have fun. I can mix them and have interdisciplanary studies, but I really don't want to be consumed by all this like in high school. I do not want to be consumed again. I don't.

I don't have to major in biology for the animals (because even then it won't make much of a difference ["If you really want to make a difference then you should become an environmental lawyer"] *I want to avoid political science in all cases*).
I don't have to major in art just to have fun.

What bothers me is that the guys assumed this little girl couldn't play well so they pitied her and say well it's okay just to work on the first string (seriously when everyone else is playing across the board). She was very quiet and has been this way for now a while (over the weeks I noticed she has burned out). I told her to hold up her hand and I pressed mine against hers.

It's the same size just thinner. I asked for her guitar. She handed it to me. I played all across the board and handed it back to her. I positioned her hand and after a little adjustment, she played across the board.

Even the smallest girl in the other group is doing the best of the class. And they didn't think she would go far. She knows how to read guitar chord graphs, and knows A, E, D, C, and F and she is 6-7 years old. She knows it in and out.

Then I realized I was just like them in 7th grade. I remember my guitar teacher taking pity on me. I remember he would say "Don't worry you'll grow into it." A year later I obviously didn't. He didn't say anything. I got frusterated and wanted to quite. Though I kept going back. I remember crying because I was upset that I couldn't even play a B chord without a long buzzing. I remember I had so much trouble reading tab or even finding the notes.I remember him getting frusterated and would have to place my fingers on the right frets constantly. Over and Over again...
I remember walking out keeping it in and my dad saying how was it.

"Good." (lie)
Teacher: "Oh yeah she's doing amazing. Just keep practicing."
Dad got me an ice cream. (My lessons were behind the ice cream shop in the Ponce Mall)
I would usually look out the window so my dad didn't see.
I remember when I started learning classical it just got worse....But...

For some strange reason I didn't quite. I kept playing Valley of Love (No Pain No Gain). My fingers never hurted when I played unless it was stretching and stretching I did.

I honestly don't know why I never quite.
I'm glad I didn't.
If only I knew what kept me going.
To say it was a crush on this boy would be silly.


I have to sign up for classes tomorrow before they close. With being in the 3rd largest university in the nation (nothing to brag about), it's first come first serve.